Rize's Boyfriend's Boyfriend
by Dotti3
Summary: In which Rize and Kaneki are dating and Hide third wheels like a pro.
1. Chapter 1: Three Is Company

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Tokyo Ghoul :')

* * *

Though they'd certainly been off to a rough start, Kaneki and Rize had been happily dating for three months. As different as they were from one another, they had found enough common middle ground to make things work. And while neither of them sought to change the other, they'd been good influences on one another.

Most of their days were spent peacefully enough. They were actually pretty boring as far as couples went, choosing to spend much of their free time operating as a two person book club. Which basically meant they read and discussed a variety of morbid books while cuddling like the two losers in love they were.

However, today wasn't so peaceful. Rize was clearly agitated. Her rinkaku tails were out and waving around restlessly as she made a half-hearted attempt to read. Kaneki, well used to this phenomenon by now, fetched them both some coffee before broaching the subject.

"So," he began as Rize hummed into her cup, "Is everything alright?"

At Rize's flat look, he was quick to change his question, "I mean, what's bothering you?"

She sighed, blowing away the rising steam from her coffee. "Your friend."

Kaneki made a noise of understanding. These days, Hide seemed intent on bugging Rize. Probably as some childish revenge for stealing away Kaneki. "What did he do this time?"

"Oh you know," she grumbled, "He was just his usual, obnoxious self. Kept asking me questions and wanting to see my kagune."

"Sorry about that," Kaneki apologized wearily, "I'll have another talk with him."

"No, talking isn't going to get through to him," Rize declared, her eyes squinting as her mind raced, "What he needs is a distraction."

Sitting up from her sprawl, she leveled her boyfriend with a serious look as she solemnly concluded, "Your boyfriend needs his own boyfriend."

"My boyfriend?" Kaneki questioned, though he had to have known already. When Rize shot him a look, he was quick to defend, "Hide's not my boyfrie-"

"He always gives you his jacket when you're cold," she cut him off.

"Yeah, but that's usually because I gave you my jacket," he grumbled.

She only raised her eyebrow at this, knowing she'd win this argument. "He shows up to walk you home from work every day and he takes you out to eat on the weekends."

"He's just worried about me," Kaneki argued, blushing.

"You have him saved in your phone as 'Bae' and some sappy love song as his ringtone," she pointed out.

"He did that! As a joke!" Kaneki had begun gesturing with his hands frantically as if that would help. It very much didn't.

"You two sleep in the same bed most of the time," she grounded out, growing increasingly frustrated at Kaneki's continued denials.

"That's what you're supposed to do at sleepovers." Kaneki knew he was fighting a losing battle. But his whole life was a losing battle and Kaneki clearly hadn't stopped fighting that either.

"Damnit, Kaneki," she threw her hands in the air in exasperation, "He goes on dates with us. And he has the balls to treat me like I'm the third wheel!"

Kaneki was quiet at this and let out a sigh of surrender. As much as he loved his best friend, even he was miffed by his third wheelin' ways.

"Look," Rize offered, "I understand that you two are close. Like practically conjoined. I just want a little more you and me time without –"

Unfortunately, she was cut off midsentence by an exuberant shout and rapid knocking at Kaneki's door. Of course it was Hide. It was always Hide.

"As I was saying," she waved at the door and shot her boyfriend a look.

"My boyfriend needs a boyfriend," he finally agreed before he went to reluctantly let his friend in if only to stop him from breaking his door.

* * *

 **A/N:** Hi! This is just something small I wrote to test the waters in the TG fandom. You can also find this on ao3 under my pen name **TheLovers**.

Reviews of all types are welcome, so please let me know what you think. Even if it's just a ":)" or a ":(", I will greatly appreciate any feedback.

 **Thank you** for reading this! I hope you have a wonderful day :D

 **Dotti3~**


	2. Chapter 2: Fashion Shows and Woes

**Author's Note:** Hellooooo~ Thank you so much for all the interest this has received! Like seriously, all the positive attention made me so happy. Also, sorry for the lateness! I had a bit of a block, but all the encouragement I received helped me power through :D

So with that, I leave you to your reading~ Please enjoy!

* * *

As it turns out, Rize had a few candidates in mind. All of which were ghouls, as Rize had claimed that Hide clearly needed a partner in crime who could outrun any trouble Hide stirred up. Kaneki suspected that she was also hoping one of these candidates would eat Hide. Not that Kaneki was really worried they'd succeed as Hide had proven time and time again that he was nothing but tricky and resilient. If anything, Kaneki was worried what sort of trouble Hide would drag his new significant other into. He could feel his hair going gray with the possibilities already.

Rize broke him from his worried thoughts with a theatrical sigh. "It really is too bad that there isn't a ghoul version of you running around somewhere."

The appraising look she shot Kaneki had made him feel quite uncomfortable and an odd sense of déjà vu. As ominous as it was, he shrugged off the thoughts of a ghoul version of himself existing, because Rize's growing grin was much more ominous.

"Actually, I have an even better candidate in mind," she announced, "Go call your wannabe-boyfriend and I'll call mine."

And with a dramatic flourish, Rize had left the room and a confused Kaneki.

* * *

With Rize playing his match maker and Kaneki playing his wingman, the "Get Kaneki's Boyfriend A Boyfriend" plan should have gone a lot smoother. The only thing impeding them was Hide himself.

Hide, who had grown quite fond of being their third wheel, was very upset when they added a fourth wheel. It was hypocritical of him, but he couldn't help but to whine to Rize and Kaneki about their new addition. "Why'd you invite this guy along to our date?"

"You mean our date," Rize huffed, motioning to her boyfriend and herself. Clearly she didn't include Hide. At this, the excluded boy pouted at her and looked to his more sympathetic friend.

"Well now, Hide," Kaneki tried to appease, "It's only fair that Rize brings along her own friend too right?"

"But that's weird," Hide complained, "Why does she need to bring along another guy when she's dating you? Who does that?"

Kaneki and Rize exchanged disbelieving looks at this particularly ironic comment.

"You're right," Rize deadpanned, glancing between Hide and Kaneki, "That's so weird. Who goes on a date and brings another dude? Really, who does that?"

If Hide actually understood her sarcasm, he didn't let on in the slightest. He only nodded, confused as to why Rize was suddenly agreeing with him.

Nervously, Kaneki laughed, "We just thought you might appreciate the company."

This only puzzled Hide more. He already had plenty company with just Kaneki. Adding Rize into the mix, while bearable, was more than enough.

"Idiot," Rize scowled, finally having enough of this game, "It's a double date. Wear something that isn't torn or stained. In fact, Kaneki go with him," she ordered her boyfriend, "Make sure he doesn't show up looking like a clown. Banjou scares easily."

Hide blinked in comprehension. At Kaneki's reassuring look of confirmation, Hide gave Rize a mischievous grin.

"You're welcome by the way," she huffed, sashaying away.

* * *

If Rize had thought that Kaneki could handle rummaging through Hide's closet and finding him something appropriate to wear, she had definitely overestimated him.

"Hide, I love you," Kaneki announced, ignoring Hide's 'Awww, I love you more buddy' as he continued, "But what the hell?"

At Hide's uncomprehending look, Kaneki dramatically waved at the contents of Hide's closet. Saying that the blonde's style was "eccentric" was an understatement to put it nicely. Kaneki must've been blinded by their friendship, because it was only now that he was seeing the true horror of Hide's fashion sense.

Unaffected by his friend's disapproval, Hide pulled out a particularly monstrous purple, gold and green shirt. A shirt made entirely of beads. "I think I should wear this one."

"Are you serious?" Kaneki had to ask, because he was never quite sure with his clown of a best friend. But Hide's face remained very serious. "Is that...mardi gras beads?"

"Yeah, Uta threw a bunch at me, so I decided to make a shirt," Hide explained as if it was the most normal thing. Kaneki was quick to let him know that it wasn't.

There were many questions Kaneki wanted to ask. 'Why did Uta throw mardi gras beads at you?' 'Why did you feel the need to make a shirt out of them?' 'How did you even make that?' But instead, Kaneki chose to ask the question that was probably the most important. "You know Uta?"

"Yeah, I needed a mask," he explained, elaborating when Kaneki arched a brow at him, "A mask for shenanigans and general mischief."

Kaneki's curious look quickly morphed into motherly disapproval. It was a look Hide was very familiar with. It was also a look Kaneki wore exceptionall well.

"A mask can be useful to have and Uta's a pretty nice guy," Hide defended, "I mean, offering me an eyeball was kind of weird, but he's a nice guy nonetheless."

"Ugh," distracted by this odd bit of information, Kaneki blanched, "He offered you one, too? That's such a weird thing to have to turn down."

"Yeah," Hide said, pausing suddenly, "Wait, you turned him down?"

"Um, yeah," Kaneki blinked owlishly at his friend, feeling dread grow within him, "Wait, you didn't turn him down?"

"Well, I mean he was trying to be nice and I didn't want to rude like SOMEBODY," Hide quipped. He hurriedly added to his argument, when Kaneki turned alarmingly pale, "I mean - I couldn't be rude. He could have easily kicked my ass if I offended him."

"So..." Kaneki trailed off, trying desperately to not freak out, "You - You ate an eyeball? Like an actual human eyeball?"

"When in Rome," Hide offered weakly.

"Hide!" Kaneki had finally lost his shit. "You committed cannibalism!"

"Okay, first of all, you are literally dating a cannibal," Hide retorted, "She probably eats eyeballs all the time and you still make out with her."

"Hide!" Kaneki cried again, "She's a ghoul. She has to eat humans."

"I don't see what the big deal is. If you think about it, you're kind of a cannibal too since you and Rize are constantly swabbing each other's cheeks like your trying to collect DNA with your tongues. I bet she doesn't always brush her teeth either, so that at the very least makes you a residual cannibal."

At Hide's rant, Kaneki gave an unbelieving look.

Seeing that he had not appeased his friend in the slightest, Hide tried once again, "If it makes you feel any better, I totally thought it tasted gross."

Giving up, Kaneki conceded, "That's reassuring at least. Let's just - Let's just find you something to wear."

Without further prompting, Hide pulled out another hideous clothing article and seriously asked, "How about this crop top with my Nike socks and nothing else?"

Kaneki groaned, knowing that it would be long time before they could scrap together a decent looking outfit from Hide's closet.

* * *

After hours of riffling through Hide's closet, Kaneki managed to find some questionable contenders. In an attempt to narrow it down, he banished Hide to the bathroom to try them on. This quickly became the lamest fashion show ever, with Hide dramatically emerging from his bathroom with each new outfit and strutting around his room for Kaneki. To make matters worse, Hide had a never ending barrage of questions to make things even more awkward.

"Does this bring out my eyes?" He fluttered his lashes at his friend. Unfortunately, Kaneki was too distracted by the sheer amount of yellow the other had on.

"Does this make my butt look big?" Hide asked, flaunting a pair of Mom Jeans that might be from the 90s. Kaneki didn't know if Hide wanted him to say yes or no, so he just shot him a thumbs up.

"Does this make me look fat?" Hide did a twirl for him, making his rainbow colored pancho fan out. At least this time, Kaneki knew what to say, having been subjected to the same question by Rize many times before. Even though it kind of looked like Hide was wearing a tent, Kaneki assured Hide that it looked good on him.

In the end, they really couldn't find anything for Hide to wear that wouldn't send his date running at first sight. Having wasted all their time unsuccessfully foraging in Hide's closet, they didn't even have time to run to Kaneki's home to rummage through his closet. Desperate to make this date work, Kaneki decided to take one for the team and switch outfits with his friend for the day.

After all, Hide was the one that had to woo someone over today. It wasn't like Kaneki needed to win over Rize with his fashion taste, since they were already dating. Though she might dump him when she sees what he's wearing. Hopefully, she would understand.

"Shit, Kaneki," Hide appraised, probably trying to encourage Kaneki, "We should wear each other's clothes more often."

Admittedly, Hide looked good in the jacket, graphic tee and jeans Rize had bought Kaneki a couple of months ago. While they were fashionably loose on Kaneki, they were pleasingly snug on Hide. This left Kaneki in the tamest outfit he could scrounge up from Hide's closet: the 90s Mom Jeans and bright yellow crop top. Despite Hide's assurances that Kaneki had "a cute belly button" and that he was "made to rock mom jeans", he could feel his delicate soul withering away. He could only pray that his sacrifice would not be in vain.

* * *

Unfortunately, Kaneki and Rize would later find out that you could certainly dress Hide up, but you sure as hell couldn't take him anywhere.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry to leave it like this, but please look forward to all the awkward double date shenanigans I have planned~ Thanks for reading and please have a good day!


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